


Smiling is Hard

by QuinnThePotato (PotatoQuinn)



Series: Supergirl Drabbles [4]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Comfort/Angst, Depression, F/F, Flashbacks, I didn't mean to write it so depressing but here we are, Kara Danvers Has PTSD, Sisters, this got kind of angsty on accident
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-03
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2019-01-29 00:14:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12618764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PotatoQuinn/pseuds/QuinnThePotato
Summary: A bit of a study into why Kara smiles so much, and then some sister comforting.





	Smiling is Hard

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this the other day because I was in a mood, and apparently that mood was angst. So have a thing. In present tense, because for some reason that seems to be my favorite tense to write in these days.

    Smiling is hard.

    Everyday, whether she feels like it or not, there's a bright smile on Kara Danvers' face. Everyday, no matter how she feels on the inside, she laughs and smiles and pretends like she's always happy.

    But it's exhausting.

    Especially on the days after sleepless nights filled with nightmares and memories of her entire civilization ending in a firey storm.

    Even though it's hard and exhausting, she does it anyway, everyday, without fail. She only allows the facade to fall at night, when no one is around to see, when no one is around to ask her what's wrong.

    She couldn't stand it if the people she loved, the people who loved her, knew that a lot of the happiness she displays isn't real. Especially Cat, who does so much for her to keep her happy.

     

* * *

 

    Kara wakes in a cold sweat, images of an exploding planet fresh in her mind, and an eerie emptiness settling deep in her bones. Her memories had leaked into her dreams again, expanding into nightmares, twisting into new fears.

    This time, it had been Earth that had exploded.

    The dream had started out how it normally did, with her parents standing there, urging her into the pod. But then it shifted, and she was in the DEO, and it was Eliza there, and Alex, and J'onn.

    They'd stuffed her in her old pod with sad but determined eyes and sent her on her way.

    Usually, when it was Krypton, this would be when she'd wake up in devastated tears, but not this time. This time her memories bled through, and her pod was hit with debris. This time, she was spun around, and she watched the blue and green planet break down and crumble as it burned.

    Now she stands in her bathroom, naked as steam pours from the shower that she hasn't stepped into yet, as she leans over the sink. Sobs wrack her body as the images play over and over and over, so vivid, so real. She forgets for a little bit that it had only been a dream, that Eliza and Alex and J'onn are still alive and whole, that Earth is still orbiting Sol like it should.

    She forgets, and she breaks.

    When she finally manages to pull herself back to the present, back to reality, she's curled up on the tile floor, surrounded by chunks of porcelain. The sink is busted, pieces of it scattered all over, although the pipes are miraculously intact. The shower is still running, cold now, and the sound echoes through the room.

    As soon as the sound of the water registers in her brain, other sounds come rushing into her ears. The television from two floors below, an argument next door, the traffic from the street below. And the 'snick' of her apartment door being unlocked.

    The Kryptonian bolts up from the floor and shuts the water off, then scrubs at her face. She wraps a towel around herself and squints through the wall to see who it is.

    "Kara?" Alex calls out, tucking her keys into her pocket. "Are you here? I tried calling..."

    Kara grimaces and runs her fingers through her hair. She must have forgotten to plug her phone in last night, or she just didn't hear it ring during her... episode. She steps out of the bathroom with a bewildered smile plastered on her face (always smile, don't let the sadness show...). "Alex, is something wrong?"

     She's stunned when her sister suddenly slams into her, wrapping her arms around her despite her state of undress. "Where have you been? I've been trying to get a hold of you all day!"

    Kara wrinkles her brows, glancing at the window to see the sun setting, much to her surprise. Exactly how long had she been lost in her mind? Cold dread grips her heart, and she holds onto Alex. "I'm sorry, I've been-" she stops. She shakes her head. "I- I went flying for awhile, my phone must have died."

    Alex pulls away from her and frowns, and Kara's heart sinks. "Liar. What's going on, Kar?"

    The blonde fidgets, then she remembers she's in nothing but a towel. She uses this fact to distract her sister and excuses herself for a minute to pull on a pair of sweatpants and a worn NCU tee-shirt. "It's nothing, really. I've just been distracted lately." It's not a lie, at least. She * _had_ * been distracted, in her own mindscape, all day. "Did something happen that needed Supergirl? I'm sorry I didn't- I-" She gulps, suddenly realizing what could have happened. What might have. "Is everyone okay?"

    Alex stands and watches as Kara pulls her hair up and out of her face, the expression on her face unreadable except for obvious worry. "No, yeah, eveyone's fine. There wasn't anything we couldn't handle, I was just worried when you never showed up to the DEO. And James said you never showed up to CatCo either, so when I couldn't get a hold of you..." She trails off, studying her little sister closely. "Are you sure you're okay?"

    Kara blinks, shuffling in place for a moment before heading to the kitchen. She sees nothng but concern and love in the brunette's gaze, but she really doesn't want to explain.

     She nods and chews on her lip, opening her fridge and staring at the contents. She knows she should eat, having not had anything since dinner the day before, but her stomach is still churning from the episode of... whatever that had been. "Y-yeah, I'm, I'm okay. Just, tired." She closes the door of the fridge and opens the freezer, sighing before closing that too and going to her couch, gently plopping down in her favorite corner.

    She studiously ignores the gaping disbelief on her sister's face.

    Alex sighs and sits next to her, stripping off her jacket and maneuvering until she's cuddled up to the blonde. "You're not okay, but I won't press you for answers. Just, if you want to talk, when you want to talk, I'm here, okay?" The agent lays her head on the Kryptonian's shoulder and sighs again, opting to stay quiet for a bit. Or, trying to. After a few minutes, she shifts so she's sort of facing Kara, her gaze on the opposite wall. "You know," she starts, and Kara hears her heartbeat pick up, "as much as I love my job, I am absolutely terrified about ninety percent of the time."

    Kara looks over at her incredulously, not believing her for a second. "But you're- you're so strong, and always the first to a scene after me, and you're badass, I-"

    "Doesn't mean a thing, Kara. I've just learned to push through it, but I'm always so scared." The brunette's voice drops as she catches her sister's eyes with hers. "Especially lately, ever since the plane went down." Kara feels her heart drop again, in guilt this time, but Alex is quick to interrupt any utterances of apologies. "I'm always so scared that I won't be fast enough or strong enough to keep you safe. It's always been like that for me, it's just now it's more obvious than before." She cups the blonde's cheek, wiping a stray tear with her thumb. "I shouldn't be so worried, you're practically indestructable, but that doesn't stop my mind from coming up with worse case scenarios all the time."

    Kara swallows to wet her throat as she leans against the cool palm on her face. She blinks and shifts so she can lay her head on her big sister's shoulder, absorbing the confession in silence. When she speaks, it's almost on accident.

    "Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can see it like it's happening again." Her voice cracks, and she takes a breath, starting over from a new angle. "Sometimes it's hard to smile so much. It's not that I'm unhappy, it's just that I miss them so much. I keep. I keep seeing it, over and over, and sometimes it's not Krypton that explodes, it's Earth." Alex is silent, combing her fingers through the younger woman's hair, letting her talk. "They seep into my dreams, the memories. Sometimes- sometimes the memories come when I'm awake too. And it gets hard to act so- so * _happy_ * all the time, but if I'm not happy, then everyone will ask me what's wrong, and it's not like I can't just go up to Cat and tell her-" she stops, sucking in a breath.

    She'd been rambling without thinking, and it had just slipped out. They hadn't told anyone they'd been dating the last few weeks, only Carter knows, and that had been an accidental reveal, really. She's quiet for a moment while she thinks, trying to sort out this seemingly random line of confession. She continues, confused as to where her thoughts are going. "It's not like I can tell her I'm still mourning my family."

     Out loud, it doesn't really make much sense, Cat knows she's Supergirl (even though Alex doesn't know she knows, but that's a conversation and NDA signing for a later day). She knows about Krypton, she knows Kara had lost everyone that day when she was so young.

     Alex doesn't say anything for a moment, and Kara's stomach twists. She really isn't sure why that last confession had slipped out, she hadn't spoken to Cat about it yet, but she's not sure she's ready to really address that whole thing right yet either way.

    "It's okay to still feel sad and angry about Krypton," Alex says, her eyes searching. "Even though it was so long ago, it still happened. You're allowed to still be upset about it." After a minute, Alex tilts her head, screwing her lips to the side like she does when she's considering something. She tucks a lock of blonde hair behind Kara's ear. "It's okay to not be happy all the time."

    Kara's eyes fill with tears without her permission, and she shakes her head. "N- no it's not, Alex! I- I don't have any right!" She shakes her head harder, pulling away from comforting hands. "Everyone is so kind and, and they always- you always are doing everyint you can to take care of me, to protect me, you and Eliza and. And, Jeremiah, when he was- and Ca- you're all always doing everything you can for me, putting me before yourselves, and I-" she stops, her words no longer coherent as sobs rip from her throat.

    Alex immediately pulls her baby sister into her arms, holding her while she cried. She strokes her hair, whispering reassurances in her ear, holding her as tight as she can. "Let it out, I got you, it's okay..."

    It's dark out by the time Kara's calms down, practically half asleep, and there's a knock on her door. She sits up, confused, squinting through the wood to see her sister's girlfriend with bags of take-out and a couple boxes of pizza. "What's Maggie doing here?"

    Alex just rubs her arm and calls out that the door is unlocked. "She won't stay if you don't want her to, I just got hungry so I texted her."

     Maggie enters the apartment and sets the food on the island in the kitchenette, smiling a little over at the sisters. "Hey Kara, I got you an extra order of potstickers if you're up for them."

     Kara isn't sure why, but her eyes tear up again, her lip wobbling, as she stares at her sister's girlfriend. Maggie looks mildly alarmed until Kara reaches up with grabby hands, and the detective goes and somehow ends up snuggled between the Danvers girls, the youngest with her face buried in her neck. Maggie looks over at Alex, her eyes wide. Alex's eyes are wet as she smiles at the shorter woman, her head tilted. "Thank you for bringing food."

    "Yeah, it's no problem. I didn't know that warranted a group hug, but sure," Maggie mumbles, rubbing Kara's back in soothing motions.

     Kara shakes her head, moving just enough to speak somewhat clearly. "No, thanks for- for not assuming, I don't know how to say it, but."

    Maggie blinks rapidly, trying to keep her eyes clear as she stares at Alex, a little stunned. Alex presses a kiss on Maggie's temple, snuggling up to her side and sighing. "She's kind of going through a lot."

     She doesn't say it, but realization dawns on Maggie's face as if she had, and the detective squeezes Kara tighter. "You realize it's okay to be sad?"

     The answer is a sob, and Maggie feels bad for making her cry more, but no one lets go so she stays where she is.

    They don't mean to, but the three of them end up falling asleep tangled up on the couch, none of them willing to break up this rare-these-days moment of sisterly comfort.


End file.
